Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA