*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.