wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“i am a sweet baby”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work