Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken