WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
You’ll be OK
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
A French press is when you hug naked
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”