I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
True?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.