Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’