He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Um … Hot Wings please
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.