Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”