Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits