Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!