For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon