Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Ugh but profoundly
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.