Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
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If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.