Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then