well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities