“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.