It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
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Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My plans: 2020:
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
dutch is not a serious language
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]