[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
emergency phone
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.