*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I didn’t come here to be called names
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.