“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…