i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“you changed” bro i was 15
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.