Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.