Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power