“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.