Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.