Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Noah was an idiot.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.