Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!