Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You Might Also Like
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no