The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Looking at you, Jesus.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL