Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.