We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*