My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!