Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.