People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far