OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*