Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training