I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The government even made aliens boring
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT