You Might Also Like
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Oops
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police