Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
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GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.