Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.