me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets