My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Thanks to a fan for this one!
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”