GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses