Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”