Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My Plans 2020
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Based Erika
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw