8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho