How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
listen closely
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”