Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!