This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
You Might Also Like
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
yeah not falling for this one
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life